Tears in a Bottle

How is it, Lord that it seems like we never run out of heart issues to deal with?  My one heart, the physical size of which is just the size of my fist, seems to have inner space as vast as  the universe that contains billions of stars-- even galaxies!

Yesterday, I got to thinking that probably each time I cry (I cried myself to sleep last night), the chemical make up of my tears is different each time, depending on all the mixed emotions that I am feeling.  There are tears of joy, tears of frustration, tears of anger, tears of grief... Who in the world can read tears as accurately as You?! And for all the billions of people in the earth who shed tears, how can you bother with each one, collecting them in a bottle-- each tear holding it's own "finger print?"  What is man that you are mindful of him?  What is man to You, the Sovereign, Almighty, Creator God, that he moves You to that one goal of one day wiping away every tear from his eyes for good? When we, humans don't bother to ease the pain that we have inflicted on each other, You come to embrace us and intercede for us with Your holy tears from Your most holy affections for us... and with Your sweat that fell like drops of blood in the Garden of Gethsemane.

The fact still remains that You became like us, humans and therefore, I can safely conclude that you are not one who will minimise my pain.  You will not mock me, belittle me, or urge me to "suck it up," or to "snap out of it."

Lord, I remember back in China whenever I felt overwhelmed, I would run to the "boathouse" for a personal prayer retreat.  The first thing I would do was pull a chair to face the couch and I would lie there on the couch and cry my eyes out.  I always felt like you were sitting right there on that empty chair, inviting me to release whatever negative emotions I needed to get rid of.  And You never said a thing but would just let me cry for an hour or so or however long it takes to get it all out of my system.

And apparently, that is all I need-- to be able to cry in Your presence.  Not only are You safe... but You are engaged with my heart, even in Your silence.  You don't fiddle or tune out or look at Your watch or fall asleep.  You sit watching and waiting and feeling the storm of my emotions -- the fury of the wind and the waves lashing around me until I cry out, "Lord, don't You care that I'm drowning?!"  And it's then that You stretch Your hand and speak, "Peace be still!" to my emotional storm.

Looking for Eden

"We all long for Eden, and we are constantly glimpsing it: our whole nature at its best and least corrupted, its gentlest and most humane, is still soaked with the sense of ‘exile’."   

                                                                                                                         *JRR Tolkien

     In the vastness of a universe full of burning balls of fire and uninhabited planets with toxic atmospheres, God created a garden.  He called it Earth.  It was a beautiful planet with blue waters, snow mountains, rain forests, waterfalls… every beautiful thing you can ever imagine.  He also filled it with living creatures of every kind from creepy, crawly creatures to trumpeting elephants and majestic blue whales.  Then He made man.  He placed them in a "garden within a garden." He called it Eden.

     Like any other garden, Eden had boundaries. However, it had everything that delighted the senses: sweet smelling flowers, delicious fruits of every kind from thousands of trees,  clean sparkling rivers, and cool, clean fresh air.  It was a safe, perfect environment.  There was no lack.  But the very best thing about Eden was that the loving Creator walked in fellowship with man, whom he created in his image... every single day.  They shared a loving relationship that was more pleasurable than any of the gifts he had given them.

     God's plan was to make yet another "garden within a garden within a garden."  He intended for Adam to have a wife and children… a family!  Just as trees, flowers, and animals thrive safely in a garden. God intended the family to be a safe and secure place for children to grow.

     But we know the rest of the story.  An enemy entered the garden and wreaked havoc by tempting the man and the woman to change masters.  They were deceived and so began the fall of man and the breaking up of the family.  Today, we can all agree that our greatest woundings and pain has something to do with our families.  We have lost Eden... and our hearts know it.  We have glimpses of Eden...

• whenever we are alone in a beautiful place, surrounded by the beauty of nature, we feel that familiar ache-- that painful tug in our hearts-- the deep desire and longing to share beauty with another person.  
• when we just can't get enough hugs and kisses from our spouse or our children and we feel "gigil" over them.
• when our pet dog looks at us with such adoring eyes.
• when we touch the flawless smoothness of a rose petal.
• when we smell the intoxicating fragrance of Ilang-ilang flowers when we happen to pass by a tree in full bloom at dusk.
• when we behold the colors of the sunset and the sound of the waves while sitting at a quiet beach.
• when we hear the sound of the waterfalls and even more when we take a dip to enjoy the powerful, refreshingly cool, clean, cascading waters-- waters that flow on and on and never run out.
• when we look towards the heavens during a starry, cloudless, moonless night, and in our heart of hearts, we cry out, "God, I miss You!  Why does my heart ache for Someone whom I haven't seen?"

     It's true.  Deep within our hearts, we KNOW for certain that there was a place called Eden but we lost it.  So what do we do to soothe that throbbing ache of loss?  We unconsciously cover it... even kill it with false pleasures-- or even with God's good gifts.  Rather than acknowledge  and lament our pain of exile, we indulge our senses with every kind of "pain numb-er":  human love, food, sex, entertainment, wealth, travel, participating in good causes, self-development... you name it!  Through all these we try to recover that Eden connection... and it's like waking up from a wonderful dream but not remembering what it was.

   
     Only God and Satan know what we lost because they were there in the garden with Adam and Eve.  To this day, Satan tries to steal our true memories of Eden and to this day, he deceives us into thinking that there are other things other than God that can satisfy our deepest longings.  

     But  God doesn't want us to forget.  Instead, He keeps wooing us, giving us clues, sending us picture messages every time we see a baby smile....observe a butterfly break out of its cocoon... feel  a cool breeze on our face on a hot day,,, stumble upon  a song with lyrics and a melody that captures our hearts and bring us to tears...

     YET the greatest thing God did was to actually build the Bridge that we needed to cross the great divide back to Eden and even beyond Eden.  That Bridge is Jesus. He is the Tree of Life in the middle of the garden.  He is Eden personified.  He is the ONE who is able to satisfy our deepest longings ... and yet He does a very odd thing.  He increases our hunger for more.  He doesn't make all the ache go away.  Why is that?  Well, God's ways are not our ways but for sure He has a purpose for all things.  We know and have experienced that the Kingdom is in us now.  But it is also still coming in its fullness.   It is both Now and Not yet.  

     So in the mean time, how does God expect us to deal with this ache?  I believe He does not want us to numb our aches, pains, and continued longings for Eden.  He wants us to embrace it.  How do we do that?  Like Jesus, He wants us to face the enemy and say, "Man shall not live by bread alone..." He wants us to channel our unmet desires, frustrations, longings and energies towards helping the widow and the orphan.  He wants us to bring Eden to others who are grieving and mourning their losses... and to tell them, yes, we are exiles... but our exile is temporary and Eden is coming back!

"And work for the peace and prosperity of the city where I sent you into exile. Pray to the LORD for it, for its welfare will determine your welfare." Jer. 29:7

"Then I saw "a new heaven and a new earth," for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away..."  Rev. 21:1

     "You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever."  Psalm 16:11

My Thoughts at Forty-eight

     November 8 was my 48th birthday! That is a lot of years being alive on this earth. Looking back at how far I have come, I can only stand amazed at God's grace and incredible patience in moulding and shaping me into the person I am now.

Here are my top thoughts:

1. Life is a gift, the true value of which I won't fully realize until much much later.
2. It is impossible to figure out life on my own... so God in His wisdom gave me family and friends... and Himself!
3. The most significant things I've learned in life I didn't learn in school. The best teachers are experience and those who have become wise from experience. But the best Teacher of them all is the Holy Spirit whom I am privileged to know and have inside of me!
4. Love catches you when you least expect it and even long after you've given up on it.
5. There are things I can learn from the older generation as well as the younger generation.
6. It's so much fun to have good friends from many different cultures!
7. In every culture, the language of love is always understood.
8. God is ABLE to provide for my every need even when I don't have a penny to my name.
9. I am loved so much more than I know and I don't even have to earn it.
10. Being a teacher is the best job ever!
11. I'll never outgrow the need for a new adventure!
12. There is always something new to learn.
13. Family is for keeps!
14. I am not always right and that's okay.
15. Family reunions are expensive but they are definitely worth it.
16.  A grudge is too heavy to carry, so let it go already!
17.  Marriage only works well with a third party, and that third party is God.  A three-strand cord is not easily broken.
18.  Generosity and hospitality can cost us something... but in the end, they pay great dividends!
19.  The laws and commandments of the Lord are not just rules to keep us out of trouble.  They are wise counsel that allow us to live a happy, blessed, abundant life when we obey them.
20. The elderly have nuggets of valuable wisdom. Spending time with them and asking the right questions can be a good investment.
21. The greatest gifts you can give a child are quality time and undivided attention.
22.  God created the earth for our good pleasure.  He created us for His.

Rehoboth or Beersheba?

   

     Above is a picture of Tara by a village well in rural Kathmandu.  They built a cave-like structure around it with stone steps leading down to the water.  In many villages around Nepal, people pasture goats, cows, water buffalos, and in the higher regions,  sheep and yak.  Wells are treasured village possessions that ensure the survival of both people and animals.    

     A few days ago, I came upon a story in Genesis 26 about Abraham's son of promise, Isaac.  The lesson I learned from it somehow brought continuity to my previous blog, "Leaving My Brook Cherith."  The story is told that wherever Isaac went, God blessed and prospered him.  He became a wealthy and powerful man in a place called Gerar.  His crops increased a hundredfold in the first year! He accumulated a lot of sheep. He continued to prosper in such a way that the Philistines living in the land became jealous of him.

     Finally, Abimelech, the ruler of the land, ordered Isaac to leave. He wandered around the valley of Gerar, looking for a permanent place to set up camp.  Because of the large number of his flocks, Isaac's shepherds had to dig for wells of water for the sheep.  God gave them success in finding fresh, flowing springs.  However,  the shepherds of the area would claim those springs for themselves.  Isaac didn't like conflict and so he instructed his men to go find another place to dig for a well.  They would find another spring and move to that place to try to settle there but then another dispute would arise with the shepherds of that area.  Still, he refused to fight over the disputed wells.  Finally, he dug up one well that was undisputed and he named it "Rehoboth," which means "open space," for he said, "At last, the Lord has created enough open space for us to prosper in this land!"  

     So I thought,  "Well,  that's a nice ending to the story.  Finally, God put Isaac in a place where there is no more opposition and he can finally be at home and at peace in that area where Rehoboth was located.  Finally, he can stop wandering and begin to build a more permanent place he can call home.  This MUST be the place of God's will.  This MUST be his promised land!"  

     However, without explanation, the very next verse says that Isaac moved to Beersheba where the Lord appeared to him on the night of his arrival!  This was no small thing because this was the very first time God directly appeared to Isaac to confirm his covenant with him and his descendants.  Before this, he only heard about the covenant from his father Abraham.  But now the Lord has personally appeared to him in Beersheba!  So Isaac built an altar, worshipped God, set up camp and dug a well.  In that order.

     Wait a minute!  There seems to be a drastic change in Isaac's system of guidance here!  At first, he used the presence of wells and the absence of conflict as a sign of God's will to establish permanence in residence.  He allowed provision and circumstances to move him from place to place.  When a well was disputed over, he took it as a sign to move on.  In other words, his system of guidance was in Providence or divine intervention and guidance through the natural order of things.  When he finally found an undisputed well, he must have thought, "Surely this must be the place where God wants me to settle.  Here is enough space to prosper unhindered.  There is no more opposition.  I can branch out to the north, south, east, and west and no one is going to stop me!"

     So what made Isaac pack up, leave Rehoboth and go to  Beersheba?  It doesn't make sense.  Can it be that he was led by the Spirit of God?  Can it be that God spoke a word  to him that nudged him and made him feel restless and come to the conclusion that he was not yet in the place where God wanted him to be?   

     Genesis 26:25 gives us a clue.  It says Isaac built an altar in Beersheba as a symbol of God's manifest presence in that area.  He set up camp there and then dug a well!  He dug a well only after he decided that where God's manifest presence is, that's where he wants to be! At first, he walked by SIGHT, not by faith.  Now he was walking by FAITH and not by sight!  Therefore, it is safe to assume that he heard God speak to him while he was still in Rehoboth and he obeyed God's voice and moved to Beersheba.  God confirmed His presence to Isaac as soon as he arrived in Beersheba.  He built an altar and set up camp there even before he sent out his men to dig a well.  His relationship with God shifted from being his father Abraham's faith to embracing God as his own.

     Later on in the story, Abimelech, the guy who drove him out of Gerar came to see Isaac in Beersheba.  He realized that God was with Isaac and now wants to make a covenant of peace with him.  That same day, Isaac's men dug up a new well and Isaac named it "Shibah," which means "oath."  The town that grew up from there was then known as "Beersheba," meaning the "well of the oath."  God not only led Isaac to the place of His will…. He also gave him peace with his enemies.  

     So what can we learn from this story?  Today, we as Christians are still led by these two common systems of guidance:  Living by Providence and by the Word and Spirit of God.  It is when we walk in the Spirit that we are closest to God.  When we walk by Providence, we will surely still arrive where God wants us to be.  But then, we would miss out on the joy of being a participant in the process.  When we live by Providence we are passive objects being moved by God from place to place through circumstances or through provision:   a high paying job, a nice house, a church where you feel at home, a place of comfort and without conflict….  but there is little intimacy with God in this system of guidance.  

     Living by faith and not by sight can be a long and difficult learning process.   Often, the things God wants us to do won't make sense.  But God seems to prefer for us to experience a personal, face to face relationship with him first.  He wants us to learn to hear His voice, trust him, and obey him unconditionally FIRST before providing for our needs and fulfilling our dreams.  Entering into a PERSONAL covenant relationship with God through Jesus is where we must all begin.  From this beginning, we embark on exciting adventures with Him.  When Jesus told Peter and Andrew, both fishermen to follow him, they left their nets and abandoned their former way of living.  Jesus' way is often a way that is not rational to the human mind.  His ways are higher than our ways!  Jesus turned their physical need to catch fish (working for a living) to a passion to fish for men (fulfilling God's intention for their lives)!

     I find that in this journey with our Shepherd, there is no short cut through the sanctification process.  We must experience Him as a personal guide, shepherd, and counselor.  This is the only way to true transformation and change of heart.  It is the sign of genuine maturity to be able to say with Job, "I had only heard about You before, but now I have seen You with my own eyes!" (Job 42:5)

Leaving My Brook of Cherith

     

     
     If you grew up listening to Bible stories, you probably remember the story of Elijah and the time of no rain. Elijah was a might prophet.  He spoke a word that it would not rain for three years and it was so.  And yet he was a man just like us and he was affected even by his own prophetic declaration.  Without God's help he would have died in the famine.  And God did come through in saving His prophet from starvation  and He sent him to the Brook of Cherith where God sent ravens to bring him food and where he had a steady water supply for some time.  

     But even God honors the physical laws that He established for the earth and soon the brook dried up and the ravens stopped coming.  Elijah needed a new word from the Lord to take him to his next season and a new way of provision.  And the word did come.  The Lord said, "Go to Zarephath for there I have instructed a widow to take care of you."

     Anyhow, Elijah obeyed but when he met the widow, she had nothing except a handful of flour and a bit of oil for the last piece of bread that she would bake for herself and her son before they starve to death.  That got me thinking about what must have gone through Elijah's mind... well, at least if I was Elijah, it would go through MY mind.  I would think that maybe God sent me to the wrong widow! Wouldn't it make more sense for him to send me to a widow who at least had more supplies?

     Well, honestly, this is how I have been feeling these past couple of years.  I feel like my life in China was my Brook Cherith and Nepal is my Widow.  The Lord has given me a new word to move on to a new season and experience a new way of provision.  But here at the "widow's house," I stand baffled and doubtful... and I think to myself, "Did I really hear God right?"  I think I am at the WRONG house and come to the WRONG widow.  There is NOTHING here and I feel disoriented and I don't like change and I wish I was back at the Brook Cherith where I could hear once again the sound of clean, flowing water and see once again my group of faithful, raven friends!

     So what is there to learn from this story? God's ways are certainly higher than the ways of man.  God was not just thinking of Elijah's survival for the rest of the famine years, He was also thinking of the survival of the widow and her son.  His intention was not just to feed the prophet but to feed the widow through the prophet.  And this particular story confirms the scripture that says, "Man shall not live by bread alone but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God"(Matthew 4:4).  God wanted Elijah to speak the prophetic word that will save both him and the widow.  "There will always be flour and olive oil left in your containers until the time when the Lord sends rain and the crops grow again!” (1 Kings 17:14) And the miracle came to pass... for BOTH parties!

     So now I realize that God did not send me to the wrong house nor to the wrong "widow." He did not make a mistake in telling me to leave China and come to Nepal. And He did not just bring me here to comfort me but to comfort others through me.  Besides, the Gentile widow of Zarephath had a thing or two to teach the Prophet Elijah about what it means to be a family and you can read the rest of 1 Kings 17 for that!  And the story did not end there either.  Chapter 18 tells us how Elijah went on to be the prophet of fire he will be remembered for!  The Lord God used the widow to take Elijah through the famine and on to his glorious destiny!  

    And that goes for me as well.  Being here in Nepal has taught me a thing or two... or three... or four!  

     Lord, I confess that I have thought  that you must have made a mistake ... or I must have heard You wrong when you brought me to Nepal.  I have put my faith on the "widow" and not your word.  Instead of complaining, I should have prophesied more.  

    It's TIME to stop looking back to my memories of Brook Cherith and embrace the Widow whom the Lord has sent me to.  God has spoken a new word.  There exists a new day, a new season, a new way of provision, and a new family to love and cherish and bless... and experience miracles with!

I Come to the Garden

Every morning at breakfast time, I look out our kitchen window into our neighbor's garden.  He often goes out to have breakfast with his wife in the garden.  After breakfast, he goes around watering the plants, and cultivating the soil.  His plants look amazingly healthy and happy and he has all kinds-- bonsai all lined up in one place; tomatoes, pumpkins, corn, other flowering plants, etc.  The garden extends all around his house and the rest of the yard is a carpet of bermuda grass.  Birds come to sing in the branches of the trees.  They seem to enjoy the garden as much as our neighbor does.  

I enjoy looking at the garden from our breakfast table but I often wonder how it would feel like to step into that garden to see the bonsai plants up close, smell the flowers and examine the details of each kind.  I envy the birds in the freedom they have to fly from one part of the garden to the other.  They sing and play and have no care in the world.  They need no permission to enter the garden… they just go and the gardener welcomes them for they add to the overall beauty and joy of the place.  It is what the gardener intended… to create a place of beauty and rest where birds and other creatures… and yes, even he himself can come to rest and enjoy the pleasures of BEING.  

Ah!  But this is just a picture of a greater reality I have with my Heavenly Father.  He has built me a garden so much more beautiful and restful than what my physical eyes can see.  I have a secret place that He cultivates for me to enter anytime without having to ask permission.  He welcomes it! He delights in it!  He invites me to come… not just for breakfast  when everything is new and fresh and joyful...but anytime of the day when I feel the heat of the burning sun or whenever I feel tired or lonely or deflated.  

There are so many things to DO in His garden.  I can walk with Him barefoot on the soft grass while He shows me the details of each plant, each flower, each fruit tree.  I can feast my eyes on the beauty of His creation.  I can touch the petals of a rose and smell its fragrance.  I can talk to Him and ask Him questions about things I don't understand.   I can sing with the birds and praise the Gardener with my heart for all the beautiful things He has put there for me to enjoy.  But most all, I can just BE STILL and be at rest as I gaze into the beauty of the Gardener and His unfailing love towards me. I marvel at the fact that He planted this special garden with the sole intention of fellowshipping with me... to ENJOY ME!  

The Gardener wants me to come often but even when I don't come the garden is there always waiting for me.  He faithfully tends it, cultivates it, creating more beautiful things for me to enjoy when I do come.  He is tireless and determined to lavish His love and creativity on me.  There is no end to His welcome and everyday I fall in love all over again with this One who who wakens me every morning to whisper,

"Get up, my dear friend, fair and beautiful lover—come to me!Look around you: Winter is over;  the winter rains are over, gone!  Spring flowers are in blossom all over. The whole world’s a choir—and singing!   Spring warblers are filling the forest with sweet arpeggios.. Lilacs are exuberantly purple and perfumed and cherry trees fragrant with blossoms.  Oh, get up, dear friend, my fair and beautiful lover—come to me!  Come, my shy and modest dove—leave your seclusion, come out in the open.  Let me see your face, let me hear your voice.  For your voice is soothing and your face is ravishing. "     (Song of Songs 2:10-14 The Message)

  

First Mother's Day in Nepal

      Celebrating Mother's Day with Tara's Mom and sisters turned out to be a great idea.  Tara and I just thought to prepare lunch for them but some came early and some came late and some who we thought would not come showed up bringing people who were uninvited.  Everyone ended up staying not just for lunch but all afternoon and early evening.  

I really find it hard to connect to Nepali people so it was awkward for me in the beginning but anything can happen when you wait a little while longer.  Always, if you are patient, the Holy Spirit will give you that prod that says, "Now!  You go and do that something I am telling you to do NOW."

      Earlier today, Tara went out to buy chicken and other things for the special meal and I asked him to buy flower bouquets  for the mothers.  There were no flowers for sale where he went so he climbed a tree to get some of its purple flowers!  I prepared the bouquets and included a card with Proverbs 31:30 written on it.  When I presented the bouquets, Tara's Mom and sisters appreciated it more than I expected.  Since this was the first Mother's Day event they have ever had in their lives, they didn't quite know what to expect and how to respond.  

       As an "outsider" to the culture, I was hesitant what I should do.  At the back of my mind, I was always considering if some things would be appropriate to do or not.  Anyway, I just thought it would be good to speak to my mom in-law first and just tell her what the Lord is telling me to say to her.  So I kind of prophesied over her with Tara translating.  I don't remember a lot about what I said… most of it was affirmation and an invitation to come to a place of rest… receiving the Father's love and forgiveness and enjoying the fruit of her labor through her children whose lives are now  answers to her intercessory prayers.  After I got the ball rolling, the children one by one thanked her and honored her (which Tara says was a first for all of them).  Then we blessed and prayed for each one of the moms and it ended up like prayer ministry for everyone,  including the men because they also wanted to be prayed for in this particular unique way.  So we ended up at night time already and because there was no time to make dinner, those who were hungry just made themselves at home in our kitchen, finding things to eat or munch on while the others were being prayed for.   

      What really overwhelmed me was how spontaneous everything became after that one gesture of honor.  The Holy Spirit took over and Tara and I moved in the anointing automatically.  While praying for one of his sisters, Tara felt that he first needed to ask for forgiveness from her for not attending her wedding, for all the bitterness in his heart towards her in the past.  It was quite dramatic also when Tara's Mom, after being honored by her children, asked to be given an opportunity to speak.  She choked over her words of gratefulness to God for his grace in her life and for answering her prayers.  

It's been four days now since Tara's Mom has been staying with us.  Yesterday, she shyly gave me her silver ring with three stones that look like diamonds.  I was so touched.  She has been teaching me some Nepali words and I have been teaching her both English and Cebuano.  So it's been fun hosting this "week of rest" for her.  I find myself enjoying having a Nepali Mom and I find it a privilege to bless her and be blessed by her.  

I have always felt it difficult to love Nepal and the Nepalese people. I am guilty of having time and time again complained about and magnified the negative things about this nation and its people.   This   Mother's Day, while I was prayer ministering to the Nepalese family that the Lord gave me, the Lord spoke to me that something good will come out of this nation and He is giving me the privilege to witness it.  It reminded me of that instance in the Bible when Nathaniel made a seemingly cynical comment to Andrew's invitation for him to come see Jesus:  "Can anything good ever come out of Nazareth?"  That was the ultimate understatement of all time!  "Can anything good come out of Nepal?" I am guilty of asking myself this question time and time again whenever I am annoyed by the dusty streets of Kathmandu, the daily power cuts, the  inconvenience of having to walk during "bandhas" (strikes),  or ride jam-packed buses, etc.    So I take that word from the Lord as a gentle rebuke for my whining, cynicism and unbelief.  Lord, open my eyes to see the pearls tucked away in people's lives and the treasures of darkness buried away in the gloomy mines of this nation!